The Problem with the Gray: The subjectivity of child abuse

When is it abuse? In the state of Oregon, it is defined by "...physical abuse as an injury to a child that is not accidental. Most parents do not intend to hurt their children, but abuse is defined by the effect on the child, not the motivation of the parents." They further state, "Although not recommended, spanking is not abuse. However, a spanking which leaves marks or bruises on a child might be abuse. Bruises anywhere on a baby are serious." They also list other types of abuse such as neglect, medical neglect, and mental injury.

Here is the case of my neighbors. They are a family of five; Mom, Dad, and 3 boys ranging from about 6 to 10 years of age. They moved in approximately 2 months ago. Since then, we have heard 'Mom' screaming at her children so often that we have named her 'Mommie Dearest.' From what we can tell, Dad is not around when this happens. She also hits them (or spanks as some prefer to call it) at least a couple of times a week. With my own personal views of "spanking" aside, there was one instance when one of the boys cried out, "please mommy stop hitting me." This broke my heart and twisted at my conscience. I spoke with several people regarding this situation and asked of their opinions. My husband was the first I spoke with. He is a loving, devoted, and sensible man; however, he seemed indifferent toward this situation but agreed that 'Mom' needed help. I then spoke with a mother of 3 daughters; her response was, "it's hard to raise 3 boys." She was hesitant and didn't seem to want to talk about it. I then spoke with a mother of 4 girls and her response was almost as if I was the crazy one and somehow screaming and hitting your children is normal and acceptable.

I grappled with the idea that I was possibly overreacting and that I should let this go and allow people to parent the way they will parent, but I just couldn't do it. I would rather look like a fool and be wrong than to be right and not speak out.

I called the city's family services department and gave them a brief synopsis and they then transferred me to a lady that asked if I wanted to report child abuse. I slowed her down and asked her what my options were. I told her the situation and said I truly believe this family, particularly 'Mom,' needs help; either anger management, family therapy, or parenting classes. She then proceeded to tell me the most mind boggling things. One, spanking is not child abuse unless there are bruises (which I knew). She asked me if they had bruises. I informed her that there was no way for me to find out and that's why I was calling. She continued to tell me that screaming isn't abuse either and "it's sad" but just because someone has different beliefs than I do, it's not abuse. I continued to inform her that the screaming is not within reasonable standards; 'Mom' has a lot of anger behind her screaming. The lady on the phone then said, "maybe that's just her face, maybe she just looks angry." WHAT? I reiterated that I HEAR her; that I can't see her while she's screaming. Finally she said that if I hear her hitting her children, to call 911 and the police officers will do a welfare check. This to me is excessive. What the state of Oregon is saying is that there are no resources for the middle ground. It's complete lunacy that I'm the one that has to verify the abuse and check for bruises. I don't even know them, how am I supposed to check their bodies for bruises? Not only am I not a trained social worker, I am not in a position to determine whether what is happening qualifies as abuse. I don't know if it is or isn't (legally), that is why I attempted to call the authorities to get THEM to determine that as they are trained to do; but their simple answer was, "we can't." In the end, at least in the state of Oregon, child abuse is only important if it is extreme and obvious.

It's easy to find posters, quotes, phrases, and statistics, like the one above, to show that verbal abuse is abuse and should not be tolerated. Unfortunately, in my most recent experience, I wonder whether it's all just a marketing scheme to a process that never existed.

The day after I made that phone call, I read in the news that Elizabeth Escalona was sentenced to 99 years in prison. She is 23 years old and has 5 children. She brutally beat her toddler, Jocelyn, into a coma. Jocelyn had been kicked, bitten, hit with a various objects, her hair pulled out, and dragged by her feet before her hands were super glued to a wall. Jocelyn had a broken rib, bleeding in her brain, and skin torn off from her hands.

Obviously these two situations greatly differ in severity, but what stands out to me is that Elizabeth herself was raised in an unstable and abusive home. My neighbor's boys will be adults in less than 10 years. They will create their own families. It is detrimentally shortsighted to only address the severe cases. To offer no resources for situations in the gray areas of abuse will only lead to more abuse. On one hand, I can hear the budget-minded folks talking about how much more it will cost. But again, I urge you to look at the long term effects; not just in budget but in the overall improvement of our society. It simply makes sense to address these situations before they become severe.

I am not done here. I will look for other resources and update this situation in the near future.

http://www.oregon.gov/dhs/children/pages/abuse/abuse_neglect.aspx

UPDATE:
I looked into further resources and they all referred me back to the same office that told me they can't do anything.
"Mom" became slightly hostile toward me for something unrelated. She stalked my dog and I making sure my dog didn't poop in a particular area. I did not approach her or respond because I know she has anger issues. We have since moved away from the area and have no further knowledge of their status. At this point it seems the only thing I can do is hope those kids turn out decently.